Internet Dating Part 1

Midst the stories of couples that are celebrating their umpteenth anniversary there are scenarios of those who have loved and lost through divorce and other equally unhappy circumstances. I know. I speak for the latter group.

Blame my daughter. She encouraged me to go online, seek out a suitable partner and as she put it, “For crying out loud, cut ten years off your age – they all do it, and you don’t look that old!”

Now, I’ve done this online dating before and it was entertaining if nothing else and I’ve met some nice people but the playing field has changed. It seems there are more gold diggers, weirdos, brain dead idiots and tons more sites – some aimed at religious backgrounds or heritage, some looking to appease old guys like me. “Meet women in your area over 50” was the ad that supplanted the usual pleas to refinance your house or buy a car at a ridiculously low interest rate.

So I did it. Signed up and gave everything but my blood type, mother’s maiden name and horsepower rating. Answered the questions like, did I like to cook (yes), or did I only cook to keep from starving. Then the bomb hits – while I can blurt out all this info and search for the girl of my dreams, I can’t communicate with them until I’m a “registered” member – this isn’t a free service like I was lead to believe (“view hundreds of women near you!” was the hook and it’s true, you can view ‘em, but you can’t do anything else.) Out comes the credit card.

The first thing I’m noticing is that interesting looking ladies don’t always answer the questions to give you any inkling as to what they are really like in their profile – and some don’t even post a picture, leaving you with this empty feeling when you read their “screen name” like (I can hardly wait) “Hotmountainbabe65” or (my favorite) “Showerwithgifts2me”. Those that do post pictures usually are holding their cat, standing a hundred feet from the camera or wearing dark glasses. There’s also the ones that put in their high school graduation picture (I’m not kidding) or a group shot where they strategically place a couple of friends or family in front of them – these are the same women who when asked to describe their body type check the box that says “A few extra pounds”. The operative word here is “few” – now I have a few grey hairs compared to the total number of hairs in my beard but I can’t deny my chin whiskers aren’t just totally grown in grey.

We should also note 90% of the women want a) a man with a sense of humor; b) everyone to know they don’t want a one night stand; and c) the world to know they like people and animals (and to that end, they usually include at least one picture with their dog or cat).

Next time, we will attempt to explain an Internet Dating site. This will be done in plain English, but there’s no guarantee you’ll understand because it deals with people.

Guiseppe V. can be reached by calling The Loop at (661) 822-8188 or emailing [email protected].