Drugs and dogs are a bad combo

Today, We Honor The Overall Man Classic Bill Mead

Reprinted with permission from Tehachapi Lifestyle Magazine, July 2014 issue.

I’ve complained before that our house is turning into a pharmaceutical warehouse. Between my wife and me, we take a total of 13 pills daily. Mine are to lower my blood pressure, slow my heartbeat, dissolve cholesterol, thin my blood and increase my vitamin intake. After the nightly news, I occasionally take a tranquilizer. One of my wife’s pills is to lower her blood pressure but I have no idea what all the others are for. She probably wouldn’t need the blood pressure stuff if I stayed away more often. Now our dogs are getting pill-happy. My wife’s poodle has frequent convulsions which his doctor tells us are congenital but can be partially controlled with phenobarbital. Roddy doesn’t like his daily dose but he’s fairly cooperative about it.

My Chihuahua is another story. She’s nearly 15 and creaking in every joint. Unfortunately, age hasn’t destroyed her teeth.

We are reminded each day when we try to cram two different pills down her throat. When you look at my wife’s hands, be assured she is not a needle-waving junkie. She is merely nurse to a tiny dog with an attitude problem and choppers that crumble steel. The Chihuahua has been remarkably healthy until recently, when we began noticing frequent gagging attacks.

When they persisted, we took her to the veterinarian. He said she definitely has a heart malfunction and probably a thyroid problem to boot. He instructed us to administer the four daily pills, saying it as if normal people could make dogs swallow what they don’t want to swallow. The first time my wife tried, she discovered the little cur’s perfect dental work. She told me that henceforth it would have to be a two person project, with me holding and her cramming. At the following medication I learned that, thyroid deficiency or not, a five-pound pooch can be a pretty good match for a 190-pound man. After 20 minutes of struggling, we thought we had won, only to find both tablets on the kitchen floor. The rotten beast had already figured out how to hide the pills between her gums and lips.

I know what you’re going to say next and we’ve tried it. I buried the pills in her favorite dog food and she ate around them. My wife tried wrapping them in cheese with the same results. This reminds me of the old joke about the farmer who had trouble giving a pill to his horse so he tried putting the pill in a tube and blowing it into the horse’s mouth. You’ve already guessed the punchline. The horse blew first. I’m open to any other ideas.

If you don’t know Bill: Bill Mead was the longtime publisher of the Tehachapi News, along with Betty Mead, his wife and partner of more than 50 years. Known for his keen wit, which could be gentle or scathing or somewhere in between but was often self-deprecatory, Bill’s writing won him a wide following among News readers. His column “The Overall Picture” ran in the News for more than 25 years, and in 1999 he published a collection of his columns in a volume entitled The Napa Valley Outhouse War. His book is currently available for sale at the Tehachapi Museum for $10.

Bill had a remarkable mind and because of his intelligence, humor and appearance he was regarded by many as Tehachapi’s Mark Twain. As Betty used to remind him, he was “older than the oldest Model A Ford” and his wealth of life experiences and rural upbringing allowed him to bring a thoroughly American, 20th century perspective to his reflections and musings on the everyday. Bill passed away in 2008 but his writing lives on.

[Publisher’s note: I read Bill’s articles during the 80s and 90s and 20s and I am grateful to share them now with our current readers. I hope you enjoy this touch of nostalgia as much as I do.]