Funnie punnies

As a writer, I'm used to and okay with taking a bit of poetic license now and then, and making up words or using malapropisms. But as much as I love word play, sadly I am very slow at making up puns.

According to the Cambridge dictionary, a pun is "a humorous use of a word or phrase that has several meanings or that sounds like another word." (The dictionary also suggests that a really good pun usually elicits a really good groan.) Even though I'm slow at making them up, I love puns and I have a great appreciation for those who do come up with them.

Happily, I've discovered there are quite a few other clever people out there who are more than adept at the art of punning, and even happily-er, they like to share their discovered or made up puns with me. These are some of the ones I've received lately (special thanks to Ken from Mojave):

• My grandma, Marie Anderson, survived the 1918 Flu epidemic. She said a favorite phrase was, "I opened the window and in flu enza."

• If you need an ark, I Noah guy.

• Little known fact – Captain Hook bought his from a second hand store.

• RIP boiled water – you will be mist.

• In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.

• When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid, she becomes a def leppard.

• My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

• I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster but others will call me a nomster.

• My parakeet died. The vet said the cause was chirpies, a rare canarial disease that can't be tweeted.

• Why are there poptarts but no momtarts? Because of the pastryarchy.

• What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.

• I was wondering why music was coming from my printer. Apparently the paper was jamming.

• Have you ever tried blindfolded archery? You don't know what you're missing.

• When I lost three fingers on my right hand I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it."

• A man is driving down a road when he runs over a bunny. He slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up and runs a few feet then stops, turns around and waves its paw at the two men, then runs away a few more feet and stops and waves at the two men again. Then runs away a few more feet and stops and waves at the two men yet again. The bunny continues to do this until he is out of sight. The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, "Wow, that is amazing! What is in the can?" The man looks at the can and reads the label: "Hair restorer with a permanent wave."

• A man dies after falling into a giant coffee vat. His wife told reporters: "He didn't suffer, it was instant."

• Two Mojave windmills were talking. One asked, "What's your favorite music?" The other said, "I'm a big metal fan."

• A Latina lady gave birth to twin boys. She named them Jose and Hose B.

• Here's to champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends.

Happy punning my friends!

© 2021 Marilda Mel White. Mel is a local photographer and writer and owner of Tehachapi Treasure Trove. She's been looking on the bright side for various publications since 1996 and welcomes your comments at [email protected].