Another pun-filled day

I'm lousy at making up puns, but I love to hear or read them. Here are more fun puns I've come across in the last few months – feel free to use them for grins and groans at your upcoming holiday parties:

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Last night I had a date with a ghost. I knew it the moment she walked through the door.

"That's the last time I pet a lion," Tom said offhandedly.

Raining cats and dogs isn't as bad as hailing taxis.

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue. I was surprised. Usually Australians boo meringue.

She was reading an incredibly interesting book on anti-gravity. She just couldn't put it down.

People are often shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

"And for our next band, please welcome The Subtractions. Take it away boys!"

I wanted to work at the photo shop, but nothing ever developed.

The doctor chose to mend his own wound and his nurse agreed, saying "Suture-self."

I had an interview yesterday for a job as a construction worker. I nailed it.

I recently developed a phobia of speed bumps, but don't worry, I'm slowly getting over it.

Yesterday I ate a clock; it was very time consuming. Especially when I went back for seconds.

I was bitten by a venomous snake once. Fortunately, my aunt loves me very much and gave me a bunch of money, cookies, and gifts. I was so thankful to have the auntie dote.

My friend said he didn't understand cloning. I said, "That makes two of us."

Not all construction work is equally enjoyable. For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

I'm starting a business to teach short people math. It's called Making the Little Things Count.

Little known fact – Captain Hook bought his hook from a secondhand store.

When people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos. Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.

I told my cat I'd teach him how to speak English. He looked at me and said, "Me? How?"

A writer has been accused of overusing commas. The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.

I accidentally drank a bottle of disappearing ink. Now I'm sitting in the emergency room waiting to be seen.

I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum and now I think I have a percussion.

A huge stack of toilet paper fell on me in the supermarket. I'm okay though, just soft tissue damage.

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. When he started to swing the ax, the tree shouted, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!" To which the lumberjack smiled and said, "And you will dialogue."

And lastly, someone stole my mood ring, and I don't know how I feel about that.

Have a happy pun-filled day.

© 2022 Mel Makaw. Mel, local writer and photographer, has been looking on the bright side for various publications since 1996. She welcomes your comments at [email protected].