Relationships 101 – tempering our expectations

Rev. Joshua Pierce, MDiv, RADT.

Over the last decade I have had quite a few couples come through my office for marriage/couples counseling. More often than not, couples either wait until it's too late to save their relationship or seek validation for ending it.

At first, I wondered if it was me, but as I have spoken to colleagues and researchers, this is pretty typical. Whether it's too late or just in time, the two recurring themes that drive a wedge between couples are expectations and communication issues. The articles for February will examine both of these issues in a way that will allow you to assess the health of your own relationship.

Expectations are a normal part of all relationships and as long as they remain healthy so will your relationship. However, they can also be the most damaging to a relationship when they are unrealistic and/or unspoken.

Unrealistic expectations are impossible to meet and should fit into the category of common sense, but we still all develop them. One of the most common unrealistic expectations I encounter is the belief that a partner should meet all emotional needs or "complete" them. This expectation is rooted in the romanticized Disney princess era. It's why we never get a look at the "after" in happily ever after. This type of thinking leads to codependency and emotional enmeshment that rob the couple of their individuality and independence. It can also lead to isolation and loss of identity.

Not all unrealistic expectations are this grandiose. Some can be as simple as expecting your partner to pick up their socks. In 20 plus years of marriage, they never have, yet you still hold the expectation that you can get them to. Even if the request is repeated constantly, nothing changes. If it hasn't happened over the years, it's an unrealistic expectation. More often than not it is these small unrealistic expectations that build into resentments. Rather than taking time to focus on the underlying issue and approaching it as a couple it becomes an "us" versus "them" battle. The desire becomes to win, even at the expense of the relationship. Instead, the couple needs to partner together to tackle the underlying issue.

Unspoken expectations assume our partner shares our beliefs about what is "common sense." This type of expectation involves quite a few "should" statements. "They should just know that I needed to talk," or "They should be able to look around and see what needs to be done," etc. Unspoken expectations can range from something as small as how to load a dishwasher to as big as how to raise children. The relationship becomes damaged because the unspoken expectation remains unspoken. The partner remains oblivious and does not understand why they are being resented. Explaining expectations (even if they are common sense) is the best approach to preventing serious issues down the road.

Unrealistic and unspoken expectations can quietly erode a relationship over time, often without either partner realizing it. Take a moment to reflect, do any of these patterns sound familiar? If so, a relational tune-up might be in order. Whether you need a tune up or on the verge of breakdown, my staff and I are here to help.

If you would like help with setting goals and expectations my staff and I are here to help. Give us a call at (661) 750-0438.